The loss of 2 children in one year can take a toll on anyones emotional and physical well-being and can obviously wreck havoc in anotherwise stable and happy marriage. I am proud to say that although my husband and I have had our arguements we are fighting this battle together and we both know that no matter what our precious walking Miracle Emilie will have her parents happy and together. So please join me in my journey to add to my family; life has a funny way of working out if we just believe.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

The beginning of a new chapter

Just over 1 month ago I said good-bye to a part of my life that I had held so close to my heart for over 2 years and in doing so I said good-bye to so many friends and to a group of ladies whose support is/was second to none.

In March 2008 I began my first (and only) IVF treatment. As most women facing this extreme way of starting or adding to their family I was terrified of the journey I was about to embark on. Night after night I'd sit in front of my computer googling everything from "IVF" to the ingredients that were going to be in the dozens of medications I was going to be injecting myself with. Then out of the blue I stumbled on an infertility forum; a little site created and maintained by a Canadian out in Vancouver, BC. Little did I know that night that this site would change me for the better.

I registered myself and immediately joined the "Cycle Buddy" thread in progress. I was welcomed with opened arms and to this day "my first forum buddy" is still a friend and I am happy to be able to follow her personal life now on Facebook (Hugs Poohbaby). From that point on I started to learn about the true struggles of infertility.

So as my eyes were opened to what infertility really was and how it affected the lives of so many I also started to make some friendships. Friendships that saved me not only during my cycle, but during my pregnancy, during my life as a NICU parent, during my grieving after the loss of my IVF miracle fighter Isabelle, during my grieving for my still born son Simon and then another miscarriage soon after.

During my time on this forum I was not only a member, but a moderator and then a site administrator. I gave my time, my heart and soul to this site for months as I wanted to try and give back what it had given me. Unfortunately this spring, just over 2 years later I decided to step down and move on with my life leaving a very important part of life behind.

The reason I left was 2 fold. First I could no longer stand the bickering on the site and I no longer had the strength or will to be a "police officer". What most members did not know is that I had been PMed by many; to this date since my last visit to the site at the beginning of June 2010 I left almost 40 unread PMs in my inbox! But most importantly what I never mentioned is that it was time for me as Karolyn and not as Ceska_holkacz Site Admin to start to focus on my life and the cards that I was dealt. It was time for Karolyn to turn that page of the past and truly believe that a new chapter had begun in her life.

I will always be thankful to what all you ladies and gent gave me when I was part of your community. But since I had conceived naturally a couple of times since my IVF treatment and I already have my walking Miracle Emilie I honestly did not feel right sharing my journey on an infertility website. Funny how the straw that broke the camel's back is basically the same reason I personally decided to leave.
I do hope that the friendships I had made on the forum will continue for years to come. I will be blogging my thoughts and journey here so please do follow me and trust that I do follow your journeys; once a lurker always a lurker.

Lots of hugs,