My angels

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Thank you to my dear friend Danielle that wrote this blog entry on the day that my beloved daughter Isabelle became an angel - March 20th 2009;

Rest in peace Beautiful Princess
Today is a very sad day, a very sad day indeed. Today our hearts mourn the loss of an incredible, courageous, inspirational little angel. Isabelle had a difficult time from very early on, while in utero she struggled with complications and concerns of her health and her well being. Her Mother forever keeping her safe. Incredibly she made it to delivery and blessed all who knew her or knew of her. Although she never really left the hospital, she traveled around the world as her Mother shared her story and she touched each and everyone in an incredibly special way.

Our darling miracle fighter Isabelle made a difference and taught valuable lessons in such a short period of time. She had a special gift of being able to speak to our hearts without words, without knowing and our hearts spoke back. We prayed for her, we willed strength and courage to her, but incredibly it was her strength and courage and perseverance that inspired us... and we can only hope that her peace will reach us here.

Isabelle, our darling Isabelle... born December 23, 2008 - Peacefully crossing on March 20, 2009 following a valiant battle and struggle.

Karolyn and Family.... know that you have touched many lives and that your courage to share your journey, your celebrations, your heartaches and your loss with us has been incredibly generous.

Today our community mourns the loss of life cut far too short, yet celebrates a life that was able to touch so many is such a short time.

May Peace find you during this difficult time. Know that our hearts are all reaching to you.

D




This is the poem I read to my daughter at her funeral;

The Brave Warrior (by J.Dee)

Before this world had started
Before our lives began
God assigned us all our challenges
Some hard things to withstand

Each of us were given
Some difficult things to do
But God gave his bravest warriors
An extra burden too

So you came to this earth
In a body broken and quite ill
But life could never take from you
A solid, determined will

You kept your face turned toward the sunshine
Trapped in a body that knew only rain
And chose to see the joys in life
In spite of constant pain

And though your body was often connected
To needles, machines and tubes
You bravely faced each day with them
While expressing gratitude

For the chance of simply being here
Though to us it didn't seem fair
To see someone as special as you
Suffer in a body beyond repair

So when you'd honorably completed
Every trial you were assigned
God chose to bring you back to him
Freeing your bright spirit and your mind

Thank you for being our example
Inspiring us through your courage and drive
We'll cherish all the precious memories
You lovingly created in our lives

Isabelle's journey
March 14th, 2008 - Start of IVF Cycle #1
04/24 - Transfer of 2 8-celled embryos
May 7th, 2008 - BFP - Beta = 427
05/21 - Viability scan - a healthy singleton.
06/12 - 1rst prenatal doctor apt. - all on schedule for 9 1/2 weeks!
07/03 - Prenatal screening at 12 weeks --> NT = 3.4 --- Risk of 1:30 for Downs Syndrome - Amnio suggested
07/24 - Amnio --- rupture of Amniotic sac...rushed to ER; Loss of almost all fluid - admitted to hospital for 1 week on STRICT BEDREST
07/31 - Results of Amnio - No chromosonal abnormalities - Healthy baby girl.
08/01 - U/S revealed slight increase in fluid from prior week - remained at hospital for 1 more week on STRICT BEDREST
08/05 - Wooo Hooo bathroom priviliges!!!
08/07 - U/S - amniotic fluid normal (low end of scale but normal) but problem with left kidney - sent home for STRICT BEDREST
08/20 - U/S - amniotic fluid level is perfect - baby measuring 19w3d and is exactly 19w3d - left kidney will be non-functionning at birth
08/27 - Meeting with pediatric urologist- discussed posible outcomes; still so grey - kidney could be 100% functional or 0% functional
............Meeting and U/S with pediatric cardiologist - Heart looks normal but still too little for final OK - U/S scheduled in 6 weeks
............Meeting with genetic counsellor - no testing for now - kidney issues a very common problem - no worries
09/03 - U/S - great level of amniotic fluid - no real change to left kidney
09/10 - Woohoo...MODIFIED BED REST...but I have to stay home still but allowed mini-walks outside...woohoo!!!
10/01 - U/S - no change with left kidney however Borderline ventriculomegaly now asessed.
10/07 - WOOOO HOOOO --- I can get out of the house for 1 or 2 little activities a week --- WOOOO HOOOO
10/08 - Meeting and U/S with pediatric cardiologist - heart is perfect but some sort of issue with a vein...will update after OB calls me back
............Meeting with genetics- all issues seem to be independent of each other - meeting with all my doctors on Friday
10/15 - U/S - no change in kidney & borderline ventriculomegaly - explanation re.:vein = possible heart failure in-utero - u/s now weekly.
10/22 - U/S - things seem to have stabilized but we need to continue monitoring baby's blood pressure. FAILED glucose test...have to do the "Big" test on Monday.
10/27 - Phew...passed 2hour glucose test!!!
11/05 - Things may have stabilized...watching level of amniotic fluid.
11/12 - Meeting and U/S with pediatric cardiologist - Heart still looks OK but heart muscles show that it is working hard - f/u in 5 weeks
............Weekly u/s; Another issue found; Baby appears to possibly to have a hole in the esophogus...but not 100% - Amniotic fluid is high - I'm back on limited activity.
11/19 - I am 32.5 wks but look as if I am 40 weeks...OB suprised that cervix is still closed...he stressed limited activity...arghhhh!!!!
12/03 - I am 34.5 wks...cervix still closed - things now stable for 2 weeks - woo hoo!
12/10 - I am 35.5 wks...3 weeks of stability!!! Hole in the esophogus may not exist - BH contractions accompanied with pelvic pressure (yikes)!
12/17 - I am 36.5 wks - Meeting and U/S with pediatric cardiologist - muscles have thickned again - cardiologist wants baby out ASAP - pediatrican wants to wait until baby is over 37 weeks.
...........Regualr OB apt - I am 2 cm dilated and 50% effaced and contracting regularly (yikes)
...........Admitted to hospital for possible induction....decision: No induction yet - follow-up in 4 days....
12/22 - U/S scheduled with cardiologist and NST scheduled...TIME TO INDUCE
December 23rd, 2008 - 37w2d - Isabelle arrived at 3:25am - sent to the Montreal Children's NICU
12/25 - Isabelle has been intubated to help her develop her lung capacity and regulate breathing pressure to eliminate CO2
12/29 - 48 hours of stability in the NICU - Pressure on ventilator dropped - attempt to close PDA via meds to be evaluated tomorrow.
12/31 - PDA did not close with round 1 of drugs - waiting for next step. Increase in feedings to 6ml/hr from 5mls every 4hrs. No change on ventilator for now. Right kidney has become very slightly enlarged - will be closely followed.
01/06 - Isabelle is still fighting. She is finally back up to her birthweight. Ventilator setting have been lowered. Heart medication being administered to slow down bpm.
01/07 - Big snow storm in Montreal...Mommy feeling very guilty for not being next to her miracle fighter; keeps looking at pictures of her little girl.
01/08 - Isabelle required a blood transfusion due to low hemoglobin. Docs are happy with lung capacity expansion.
01/09 - Waiting on results from MRI of Isabelle's head, u/s of abdomen. Docs happy with response to heart medication.
01/11 - Original EED - I was so looking forward to this day. How things are so different than I would have ever been able to imagine. I love you Isabelle.
01/12 - Isabelle is stable but is now fighting a bacterial infection and is on more antibiotics - will this nightmare ever end?
01/17 - Best visit with Isabelle since her birth - she was SO alert all day and we just starred at each - I fell in love with her all over again!
01/19 - Best blood gas levels to date! Isabelle may be extubated before the end of the week!! Moved from isolette to crib!
January 20th, 2009 - Isabelle has been extubated
01/23 - Isabelle is 1 month old! Mommy finally got to do the kangaroo hold with her - how amazing!
01/29 - NICU staff is beginning to talk about preparing Isabelle's home comming!!!!!
February 2009 - Preparation for Isabelle's homecoming until we hit the week-end of 02/21
02/21 - Desaturation episode - unkown why... Homecoming put on hold
02/26 - NG tube changed for NJ tube - discovery of malrotation of small intestine
02/27 - Surgical consult - a decision is to be take on urgency to correct the malrotation
03/03 - My little miracle fighter is back on a CPAP machine Left kidney function to be evaluated tomorrow.
03/05 - Left kidney function = 2% & Right kidney function = 100% - Debate of what to do for surgery...update should be tomorrow.
03/11 - Still no decision on surgery. My miracle fighter is fighting really really really hard today - please keep us in your prayers.
03/13 - Dreaded Friday the 13th - Isabelle has taken a turn for the worse...possible cardiac failure beginning
03/15 - Severe mal-rotation of the small intestine diagnosed. Tomorrow; briefing for surgery.
03/17 - Surgery scheduled for this PM - please keep Isabelle in your thoughts & prayers. *** CANCELLED @ 5pm ***
03/19 - Surgery done - Isabelle did great - she is now sedated...critical but stable. Kidney removed and intestines repositioned.
March 20th, 2009 - My Precious Little Miracle Fighter is now at peace. She passed away in her parents' arms just after 10am. I LOVE YOU ISABELLE

My little boy to be...
Simon Broutart; lost at 20w3d gestation
Delivered still-born on October 10th 2009

Here is the blog entry I wrote the day after delivery my still-born son.

Empty handed again (Originally publised on October 11th 2009)

As I sit here on this thanksgiving week-end I am repeating to myself that I am thankful. I have a beautiful healthy little girl running in my home. I have a husband that has beaten cancer and I have his love. I have such amazing friends; those who I have grown up with and those who I have met just recently on a little forum known as IVF.ca :) I have amazing family support.

I should be thankful...but instead I am focused on what I don't have. I don't have 2 of my children to hold, touch and kiss. What I have in place of those little squirmy bodies are 2 memory boxes filled with ashes, pictures, hospital bracelets and foot/hand prints.

This morning I have been reading over and over the comments on the thread that Rick started for my precious little boy, the personal messages received here on IVF.ca, the comments to my status on Facebook and the personal messages received there. I keep reading about the how strong I am but to be honest with you all and with myself I don't feel very strong at this moment. At this moment I am not sure how to go forward.

Yesterday after my release from the hospital I went to see my precious little girl at my parents' house. I looked into her eyes and fear over took me. I held her so tight and thought in my mind; "God, you took one child away from before I could even know if it was a little girl or boy at about 11 weeks gestation, you took away my beautiful little Miracle Fighter and now you have ripped another life right out of my womb - what is next are you going to tear my only reason for getting out of bed in the morning away from me too?" I know it my mind that I should not think like that but honestly what is next? What is the next test I am going to be put through? Why on earth would I need this much strength? Why?

Again, as of today we don't have any answers as to why my little boy's heart stopped beating in-utero. On Friday (Oct.9th) I went to my OB's office for what was supposed to be our 20 week detailed ultra-sound. As soon as the probe hit my belly I could see the bad news - no heart beat. In shock my doctor counselled us to have an "amnio" done as some answered may/could be found via the amniotic fluid. So the one procedure I swore I would never ever have again was performed. The amniotic fluid was sent to the Montreal Children's Hospital for genetic testing and some was sent to the Royal Victoria Hospital for virology. My blood (all about 16 vials) will be analyzed against the amniotic fluid and an autopsy will be performed on my baby boy and the placenta.

My OB is convinced that my little boy passed away from an infection as if was clear as day that the baby had skin edema which is the number one indicator that he caught a virus.

I was admitted on Friday at 1pm and the procedure of delivering my dear boy began at 6:30pm as which time I was given my first dose of cytotec. Just over 4 hours later I was given a second dose of cytotec and again just over 4 hours later I was given my third dose. About 1 hour after that (around 5:30am) I started to feel pressure and sure enough by an internal exam I was about 6cm dilated, 100% effaced and the membranes were bulging. They wheeled me into the birthing center (A big thank you the RVH staff for allowing me to "labour" in the surgical recover ward and then having me deliver at the end of the birthing center so I didn't have to hear heartbeat monitors and babies crying), put the epidural in place as I didn't want to feel a thing. About 30 minutes later the doctor broke the membranes and at about 6:30am (12 hours after taking my first dose of cytotec) with one push my little boy lay still on the bed. My husband I asked no to see him but that once we could we would like to hold him. But instead of hold my little boy right away I ended up hemorrhaging. As the staff said to me: to add insult to injury the placenta would no come out. They decided to give me a dose of oxytocin in hopes to have the uterus contract and expel the placenta but it did not instead I began to pass blood clots the size of oranges and started to loose blood. After about an hour of this and me being in excruciating pain (go figure I had an epidural) from a stabbing pain on my right side they wheeled me into the OR for an emergency D&C. They administer more drugs via the epidural to freeze me like for a c-section. As the procedure came to an end my blood pressure began to drop as did my heart rate. I don't remember being wheeled into recovery and then I just remember faces and hands pinching my cheeks and them telling me to stay with them. They admistered oxgen and some sort of drugs. My husband told me that my blood-pressure had dropped to some thing like 60/40 and my heart beat was down at 35. It took them about 2 hours to stabilize me at which point my blood-pressure was only about 98/63 but it didn't drop anymore. They had a bag of blood ready for a transfusion which thankfully I am still pretty much healthy and my CBC taken when they stabilized me was surprisingly "amazing" after all the blood lost.

Once I was stabilized I held Simon, all 6oz of him, wrapped up like a little package for about 2 hours. He was then taken from me and I was brought back to my room where I spent most of the day yesterday sleeping. As I had stopped bleeding (except for a little bit of spotting) and my blood-pressure returned to normal as did the hemoglobin levels testing with a CBC run at 4pm they allowed me to leave at about 6pm yesterday.

As my husband and I walked out of the hospital I could help but saying; "I can't believe that we are walking out empty handed again".