Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

I am thankful for all she taught me.

  

“You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
...or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”
- David Harkins

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Today, March 19th 2011, I sit in front of my computer listening to my husband play with our eldest daughter Emilie as he makes all sorts of cooing sounds to our youngest Chloe.  I should be overjoyed knowing that I have 2 healthy little girls and I have a healthy husband (his last scan last month came back clear) but my heart aches for my middle daughter, my Miracle Fighter, who I lost 2 years ago tomorrow.  I should be hearing the voice of another little girl, Isabelle, trying to gain her Daddy's attention.  Instead I am left with only 3 short months of memories of a little girl who fought a battle that no child should ever have to fight.

This morning I awoke to the most powerful memory I've had in over a year and a half.  I could swear that I was back at the hospital looking into Isabelle's eyes as they wheeled her to the OR.  The glance I shared with my daughter at that point would be the last look into her dark beautiful eyes.  It would be the last time I saw her awake. 

Over the last 2 years dealing with her lost has become "easier".  I don't think it will ever be easy but somehow one learns to survive.  However waking up with that memory this morning was more than I could handle especially when Chloe was nestled against me on one side and a few minutes later I had Emilie cuddling on my other side.  Looking into their eyes, hearing them breath brought joy to my heart but along with it came and indescribable emptiness that ached to see and feel Isabelle again.

Today I spoke with a friend about how I was feeling and questioned her on how was I last year at the 1 year anniversary.  She told me I was somehow very strong; I don't remember it at all.  This year I am total mess. I can't help but wonder why. Is it to blame on holding Chloe and wondering how it would have felt to have Isabelle at home after birth?  Is it to blame on the hormones?  Is it to blame on the fact that until now I was so focused on having another child that I didn't really completely grieve for Isabelle? Perhaps it is simply a combination of all 3 reasons compounded with the guilt of moving on and being happy.

For the first time since January 2007 when my husband was diagnosed with cancer my little family has been given then chance to focus on living and not surviving. 

To be honest; I don't know how.

For four years our focus has been on fighting to win health battles; physical and emotional.  How does one wake up after four years of fighting and be happy without wondering when the next test will show itself?  I know I shouldn't think like that but how do we allow ourselves to live? Allow ourselves to be happy? But most importantly not question it?

I look at Chloe and I am in love.  I am in love with every single inch of her little being.  I have to admit that when I was pregnant with her I was frightened on how I would react to looking into another little girl's eyes.  Would I compare her to Isabelle?  Would I feel like she was a replacement for Isabelle?  I am happy that I don't feel any of that.  Chloe is Chloe and she is a perfect addition to our family.

So tonight I sit here and wonder what emotions tomorrow, March 20th, the 2nd anniversary of Isabelle's death will bring.  All I know is that although I believed it would get easier it seems to have gotten harder.  Tomorrow I will think of my Miracle Fighter and the joy she brought to my life and the lessons she taught me.  I am thankful for all she taught me about life, fight and myself.

Thanks for reading.

With open arms and an ear to ear smile

Just over 2 years ago my husband and I walked out of the hospital with empty arms as our beautiful Isabelle had been transferred to the NICU at the Montreal Children’s hospital.  Almost 10 months later we walked out of the hospital for a second time without our son as he was lost at 20 weeks gestation.  Now 13 months since saying to my husband “I can’t believe we are walking out empty handed again” we were able to walk out of the hospital with open arms and welcome the latest addition to our family.

The last 8 months have been an emotional battle.  When 3 pregnancies in a row do not result in a bouncing baby at home I am sure you can imagine the stress another positive result can bring.  I had also decided to keep this pregnancy quiet from basically everyone (surprise!) and so I fought the battle with myself (and husband), family and a few close friends; only telling others on a “need to know” basis – kind of hard to hide an 8 month belly from someone!

My positive HPT was at the end of May and coincided with all the drama occurring on the forums for which I was the Site Administrator.  It was a position I loved, it was for a cause I hold very close to my heart and it was amazing giving back to the community that had helped me so much during my IVF cycle, my pregnancy with Isabelle, her short life in the NICU, her passing, the delivery of my still-born son and another miscarriage soon after that.  It was a place I felt safe and welcomed and was eager to share my news again especially with those that my friendship has grown past the forums and into my real life.  Then the drama hit. Not only was I told that I stirred the pot but did not get the back-up from any members of the admin/moderating team; I never expected for them to share the same opinion however when I was told I stirred the pot and did not even get a “I don’t agree with you but….” I felt like I no longer belonged.  It extended to the membership where I was told that I no longer belonged because I was getting pregnant naturally (OK conception did occur but where was my child?); so it was at this point I decided not to share my news.  So with a heavy heart I resigned only sharing my news with the moderating team and the founder of the site that had saved my sanity for the past few years.  It was one of the hardest decisions I had to make because it really boiled down continuing to support those who supported me and I knew would support me on the latest journey  versus allowing myself to be me and stand up for what I believed in.  As you all know I chose the latter; I would rather fight the emotional battle on my own and my amazing real life support network of family and friends, than ever compromise who I am and what I believe in.  So I said good-bye and kept my little secret off the public boards (and pretty much everywhere else).  Sadly all but one member of the team continued to follow my pregnancy outside of the forums.  Funny how true the saying; you know who your real friends are when push comes to shove.  I think the fact that not another member of the moderating/admin team took the time over the last 8 months to check in hurt the most.  I truly believed in those friendships that I thought were formed with these women and man only to be shown it was all as made-up as our aliases.

Through the summer months leading to my 12 week prenatal scan I was, how to put it, scared shitless (excuse my language).  As a few months prior to this positive I had miscarried and it was at this point with Isabelle that we were given a 1:30 risk for Downs and decided to go ahead with the amniocentesis which resulted in the complete rupture of the amniotic sac, subsequent bed rest and the health issues that plagued my little Miracle Fighter.  This time the stars lined up we made it to 12 weeks and we were happy to learn that the risks were well above 1:10,000 and so no need to panic (plus we were given a 95% chance that we’d be having a little girl). 

The next crucial milestone for us was getting to 20 weeks; the 2 months between the 12 weeks prenatal testing to the 20 week anatomy ultra-sound felt like an eternity; I can only thank my obstetrician would told me that he would like to follow me like a normal pregnancy but if at any point I felt stressed to call his office and they would squeeze me in for an impromptu ultra-sound.  I could see the days and weeks moving forward on the calendar as Emilie started preschool and we were preparing for Thanksgiving but it felt like the weeks of gestation for my pregnancy were at a standstill.  Finally the day came and to our delight everything was perfect.  I had also been sent for a fetal echo (heart ultra-sound) and was told “nothing to worry about”.  We also got the confirmation that our beloved and precious Emilie was going to have a(nother) little sister!

Although we had surpassed all the “crucial” milestones in our latest journey both my husband and I were unable to allow ourselves to relax.  Both of us continued to say “we will relax the day we are at home with our little girl”.   I can see that our little angels (I love you Isabelle and Simon) surrounded us during this process and gave us the strength to conquer our fears and bring another wonderful child into this world.

Today my husband and I can breathe a sigh of relief.  Today we can smile.  Today we can start to live again instead of living to survive.  Today we welcomed our daughter; Chloé Marie, born February 5th, 2011 at 8:48pm., weighing 8lbs14oz and measuring 20inches, home.

With open arms we start our latest journey and I can’t help but smile.

Thanks for reading.