I am thankful for all she taught me.

  

“You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
...or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”
- David Harkins

************

Today, March 19th 2011, I sit in front of my computer listening to my husband play with our eldest daughter Emilie as he makes all sorts of cooing sounds to our youngest Chloe.  I should be overjoyed knowing that I have 2 healthy little girls and I have a healthy husband (his last scan last month came back clear) but my heart aches for my middle daughter, my Miracle Fighter, who I lost 2 years ago tomorrow.  I should be hearing the voice of another little girl, Isabelle, trying to gain her Daddy's attention.  Instead I am left with only 3 short months of memories of a little girl who fought a battle that no child should ever have to fight.

This morning I awoke to the most powerful memory I've had in over a year and a half.  I could swear that I was back at the hospital looking into Isabelle's eyes as they wheeled her to the OR.  The glance I shared with my daughter at that point would be the last look into her dark beautiful eyes.  It would be the last time I saw her awake. 

Over the last 2 years dealing with her lost has become "easier".  I don't think it will ever be easy but somehow one learns to survive.  However waking up with that memory this morning was more than I could handle especially when Chloe was nestled against me on one side and a few minutes later I had Emilie cuddling on my other side.  Looking into their eyes, hearing them breath brought joy to my heart but along with it came and indescribable emptiness that ached to see and feel Isabelle again.

Today I spoke with a friend about how I was feeling and questioned her on how was I last year at the 1 year anniversary.  She told me I was somehow very strong; I don't remember it at all.  This year I am total mess. I can't help but wonder why. Is it to blame on holding Chloe and wondering how it would have felt to have Isabelle at home after birth?  Is it to blame on the hormones?  Is it to blame on the fact that until now I was so focused on having another child that I didn't really completely grieve for Isabelle? Perhaps it is simply a combination of all 3 reasons compounded with the guilt of moving on and being happy.

For the first time since January 2007 when my husband was diagnosed with cancer my little family has been given then chance to focus on living and not surviving. 

To be honest; I don't know how.

For four years our focus has been on fighting to win health battles; physical and emotional.  How does one wake up after four years of fighting and be happy without wondering when the next test will show itself?  I know I shouldn't think like that but how do we allow ourselves to live? Allow ourselves to be happy? But most importantly not question it?

I look at Chloe and I am in love.  I am in love with every single inch of her little being.  I have to admit that when I was pregnant with her I was frightened on how I would react to looking into another little girl's eyes.  Would I compare her to Isabelle?  Would I feel like she was a replacement for Isabelle?  I am happy that I don't feel any of that.  Chloe is Chloe and she is a perfect addition to our family.

So tonight I sit here and wonder what emotions tomorrow, March 20th, the 2nd anniversary of Isabelle's death will bring.  All I know is that although I believed it would get easier it seems to have gotten harder.  Tomorrow I will think of my Miracle Fighter and the joy she brought to my life and the lessons she taught me.  I am thankful for all she taught me about life, fight and myself.

Thanks for reading.