From early on in our lives we are taught to compare and contrast; what is the same about these 2 objects? What is different? I even see my own 4 year old daughter doing it now. So I ask myself is it normal that we compare and contrast our lives with others? Last week-end I was talking with an acquaintance; someone I may have seen about the same number of times as I have fingers on one hand. She does however know my story from a mutual friend. She was asking how JF and I were doing and seemed genuinely interested. We talked about how life throws us curve balls and that how we handle them makes all the difference and then she said "Life never turns out as we had expected. Like you never imagined loosing a child I never thought I'd get divorced". As soon as my brain processed it I was angered. I felt my blood boiling; did she seriously just compare, what has been dubbed "a person's ultimate nightmare", the loss of a child to a divorce? Needless to say my brain at that moment went into overdrive and I thought who in the right mind thinks they are going to loose their child? And yes I am fortunate to have a husband that still works at our marriage everyday with all that we have been through so I don't understand the emotions or the heartache of the end of a marriage but I have been through a long-term relationship break-up and I can tell you first hand that personally I would choose a break-up over loosing a child.
A few days later it got me thinking; was I right in getting so angry? From the day I saw my Miracle Fighter Isabelle draw her last breath, unless I lock myself away in my home, I will always talk with people who are going through their own heartaches and losses. Who is to say that their pain isn't as real as mine. It all boils down to a loss and with any loss comes the end end of the chance of creating memories. We look back at the moments we had, the laughter and smiles we shared and just knowing that will not happen again is painful and so we embark on the journey of grieving for the loss (whether it be the death of a person or the end of the dream of "happily ever after"). So in reality their pain is just as real as mine but just different and as old proverb goes "Before criticizing a man, walk a mile in his shoes" - perhaps I should have done that before letting my emotions get the better of me.
Thanks for reading.
Karolyn
I have been thinking about your post for a few minutes...and I still do not think that divorce is anywhere near loosing a child. Yes, she has gone through pain, but she can see her ex if she wanted. You do not have that option. I think loosing a child is the hardest thing anyone would go through in there life. I am sure she is hurting going through a divorce, and maybe she just did not have the words of what to say to you...but nothing compares to loosing a child and all those hopes and dreams you had...
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Great post Karolyn. You are so right about walking a mile in someone's shoes before judging them or thinking we know how they feel.
ReplyDeleteI have a great amount of respect for you for sharing your experiences. Not many people would do that.
((HUGS))
Great post. I still think there's a hierarchy to loss as to most things - but you're right - her loss to her (of her imagined "happily ever after" for her life) is as real and painful as your loss to you. I think while one is worse, each person experiences their loss - they did not experience yours, you did not experience theirs. You really put it eloquently and I expect I'll be reflecting on it for years to come.
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