The loss of 2 children in one year can take a toll on anyones emotional and physical well-being and can obviously wreck havoc in anotherwise stable and happy marriage. I am proud to say that although my husband and I have had our arguements we are fighting this battle together and we both know that no matter what our precious walking Miracle Emilie will have her parents happy and together. So please join me in my journey to add to my family; life has a funny way of working out if we just believe.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

T'was the night before...

T'was the night before,
what would have been,
your birthday number two. 
And all I could think of
is how much I miss you.
      - Mommy

Two years ago tomorrow, December 23rd, I gave birth to a little girl that will have forever changed me. Two years ago I learnt what true fight and determination was. One look into my Miracle Fighter's eyes and I learnt what the meaning of true strength really was.

In my arms, for all of 30 seconds, before being whisked of to the NICU I promised my little girl that we would fight together to get her well. I still remember looking into those eyes and not wanting to let go but knowing she needed help. Having a child literally ripped from your arms in the beginning moments of their life is a feeling that I would not wish upon anyone.

Today I sit here wondering what Isabelle would look like, what her favorite toys would be and just trying to imagine what a hug and a kiss from her would feel like. My little girl would be 2 tomorrow; we would be embarking onto the road of the terrible twos! What I would give to be there instead of wondering would she be blond and curly like her big sister or would she have the dark locks of hair she was born with? Would she have blue or brown eyes? Among the million of other questions and thoughts that are going through my mind today.

Over the last two years I have worked hard to come to terms with all this and I do believe that I have; yet there are going to be days like today and tomorrow that will show me that the intensity of the pain one feels after loosing a child does not change.  Last summer I was reading an article about a women who had lost her child and she was in the midst of supporting a friend going through her first year and think her analogy of what how we feel really hit the nail on the head.  She wrote: "Although losing a child is much worse, the best analogy I can think of is losing an arm or a leg. You learn to get along without it, but you never forget that it isn't there any more. Most days you can carry along fine enough, but there are some days when it hits you, sometimes out of the blue when you least expect it, when you are in the aisle of the grocery store or when you hear a certain song and it takes your breath away. (...) Over the years, it does get easier. (...)Probably one of the greatest fears we have is that people will forget.  Those of us who are unfortunate enough to have experienced a loss, especially the loss of a child, don't need sympathy. We don't want you to feel sorry for us. We want you to remember that the child we once held in our arms is now being held in our heart.

So with that I just wanted to take the time to share my beautiful little angel's memory and to wish her a very happy birthday - Mommy will always and forever carry her in her heart.


Thank you for taking the time to read and for keeping the memory of my little girl alive.