The loss of 2 children in one year can take a toll on anyones emotional and physical well-being and can obviously wreck havoc in anotherwise stable and happy marriage. I am proud to say that although my husband and I have had our arguements we are fighting this battle together and we both know that no matter what our precious walking Miracle Emilie will have her parents happy and together. So please join me in my journey to add to my family; life has a funny way of working out if we just believe.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

I am thankful for all she taught me.

“You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

- David Harkins

Today, March 19th 2011, I sit in front of my computer listening to my husband play with our eldest daughter Emilie as he makes all sorts of cooing sounds to our youngest Chloe.  I should be overjoyed knowing that I have 2 healthy little girls and I have a healthy husband (his last scan last month came back clear) but my heart aches for my middle daughter, my Miracle Fighter, who I lost 2 years ago tomorrow.  I should be hearing the voice of another little girl, Isabelle, trying to gain her Daddy's attention.  Instead I am left with only 3 short months of memories of a little girl who fought a battle that no child should ever have to fight.

This morning I awoke to the most powerful memory I've had in over a year and a half.  I could swear that I was back at the hospital looking into Isabelle's eyes as they wheeled her to the OR.  The glance I shared with my daughter at that point would be the last look into her dark beautiful eyes.  It would be the last time I saw her awake. 

Over the last 2 years dealing with her lost has become "easier".  I don't think it will ever be easy but somehow one learns to survive.  However waking up with that memory this morning was more than I could handle especially when Chloe was nestled against me on one side and a few minutes later I had Emilie cuddling on my other side.  Looking into their eyes, hearing them breath brought joy to my heart but along with it came and indescribable emptiness that ached to see and feel Isabelle again.

Today I spoke with a friend about how I was feeling and questioned her on how was I last year at the 1 year anniversary.  She told me I was somehow very strong; I don't remember it at all.  This year I am total mess. I can't help but wonder why. Is it to blame on holding Chloe and wondering how it would have felt to have Isabelle at home after birth?  Is it to blame on the hormones?  Is it to blame on the fact that until now I was so focused on having another child that I didn't really completely grieve for Isabelle? Perhaps it is simply a combination of all 3 reasons compounded with the guilt of moving on and being happy.

For the first time since January 2007 when my husband was diagnosed with cancer my little family has been given then chance to focus on living and not surviving. 

To be honest; I don't know how.

For four years our focus has been on fighting to win health battles; physical and emotional.  How does one wake up after four years of fighting and be happy without wondering when the next test will show itself?  I know I shouldn't think like that but how do we allow ourselves to live? Allow ourselves to be happy? But most importantly not question it?

I look at Chloe and I am in love.  I am in love with every single inch of her little being.  I have to admit that when I was pregnant with her I was frightened on how I would react to looking into another little girl's eyes.  Would I compare her to Isabelle?  Would I feel like she was a replacement for Isabelle?  I am happy that I don't feel any of that.  Chloe is Chloe and she is a perfect addition to our family.

So tonight I sit here and wonder what emotions tomorrow, March 20th, the 2nd anniversary of Isabelle's death will bring.  All I know is that although I believed it would get easier it seems to have gotten harder.  Tomorrow I will think of my Miracle Fighter and the joy she brought to my life and the lessons she taught me.  I am thankful for all she taught me about life, fight and myself.

Thanks for reading.


  1. In the realm of angels there is no such thing as time - it's infinite. Here on earth it's finite. It passes. At times it heals, others it reminds us. It can bless us, while in other moments feeling like it robs us. It leaves us with memories and steals some for itself, but no matter what, it keeps passing.

    Your heart is vulnerable and available in these moments. It's there to experience these vivid moments that hold onto us.

    I've found it interesting in light of our loss, that there are moments when I seek to remember the most vivid memories, even if they're the hardest ones, as it's in the feeling and experience of those moments that I can find the deepest healing.

    Close your eyes and get lost in hers for as long as you can. Connect to her and let her know with all your heart that you still love her even more than the day she was born.

    Take deep breaths into your heart and as you exhale, fill those exhales with love. Let the love surround you and know that it is surrounding her too.

    much love dear friend.


  2. You were very strong last year and this year you are as well...the memory might be more alive due to hormones and the fact that you have been blessed with Chloe...your girls are so lucky to have such a wonderful loving Mommy...always here for you...


    Thinking of you dear sweet Isabelle...xox

  3. just know so many people still have you and Isabelle in their hearts.
    I am from, and i only go on there every now and then.. but today i found this link... and i wanted to see how you are, and i was sad to read your pain,,, and overjoyed to read of your new addition Chloe... i know i dont know you persoanlly but i always read your daily updates on baby Isabelle.. prayed for you both... losing a child just shouldn't happen, and i can imagine that you are still very much grieving.. you love your baby Chloe very much but of course you still want Isabelle too.... its good to keep her memory alive.. grieve her, miss her, love her and carry her with you forever... until one day when you meet again!

    Honestly i am so happy you were blessed with baby chloe,,, you need some happiness and im sure your two girls bring you lots of that!!!!
    also so glad your husbands test came back clear!!!